Electric Tangerine

Thanks Liz! You're very right about the "pong!" part...Now I just have to come up with something...(that's the hard part :? ) Any suggestions on how to make it less ...

I like your unconventional imagery a lot! It's very simple yet descriptive. Especially this one: dirty and trickling like dead leaves. I agree that the last stanza could use some ...

thanks for the comments guys. Incandescence...can you elaborate on why L7 and L8 should be dropped? I'm looking into other changes too thanks again guys.

I had the quotes like that originally actually. but then i figured that because it was the same person talking people might get confused if they had separate I put ...

Thanks Snoink. I like the idea of dropping light, it will read just fine and "day" so there we go... As for changing eloquence, it was supposed to be ironic, ...

yeah, i'll think about it, i wanted the "your" to stay, just cause it pushes the point a bit more, but thanks :D

Yeah I wasn't sure if I cut the "is" out of that line that you'd know what was going on...

Thanks Fabien and Goldheart. Fabien, thanks you brought a typo to my attention! (That was supposed to be a comma :oops: ) And I think your addition helps the rhythm!

Ok I'm still kinda confused. Why can't you have part of a poem rhyme and not all? Just 'cause it's not professionally or often done? I understand that you feel ...

Hmm... that's rather bleak... :? Well, I tend to get caught up in my writing (especially when I type it -go figure-) and so that explains the capitalization issues, *runs ...

see, that's the part I can't might just be that I'm not used to it so i think it's weird. Personally: I don't like it. But in general, I don't ...

interesting. I get a vivid image of suburbia in like Texas maybe? or Florida, somewhere really hot. I agree that you should lengthen it and add more descriptions. Keep it ...

I think I came off sounding wrong...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be overly critical. I do really like it, I was merely offering suggestions that even if you choose ...

Many thanks. I like the idea of shattering, and it's even more of the image I was going for originally. So the meaning of this poem: I'm not a hundred ...

Thanks for your advice...I'm taking part of you suggestion for the last stanza for sure. *runs off to edit*